The Wisdom of 100 Women
After her mother’s death, soon followed by her father’s, Sam Bunch was, in her own words, ‘in a slump’ and ‘a bit struck with grief’. But upon finding 30 years’ worth of her mum’s diaries in the back of her closet, she began to read them hoping that they would be a source of guiding wisdom. The reality was very different but no less profound. Sam was struck by how her mum’s diaries consisted of ‘30 years of bad weather … hairdos, moans and groans and everyday tittle-tattle’ - there were no ‘Gandhi-style mantras or philosophical quotes’. Sam found them ‘inspiring in [their] monotony … because life is humdrum’, and they made her want to find out how other women ‘do life’. Soon, she ended up with a project; she wanted to interview 100 women, to find out their everyday wisdom, which she has now compiled into a book, ‘Collecting Conversations: 100 Women Sharing Everyday Thoughts’. Today, however, the shoe is on the other foot, and we are interviewing Sam to find out what wisdom she has gained from this project.
What is the most important thing that you have learned from interviewing all these women?
“This is a very simple one ... we’re all taught that we shouldn’t judge, we shouldn’t assume, we shouldn’t make up stories, we shouldn’t gossip. But then you notice yourself judging, it might be about someone’s clothes or their accent, the car they drive or the money they spend. We all do it and we shouldn’t! But if we do find ourselves making those observations, we need to pause for a minute and ask ourselves - why are we making these assumptions?! The more you do watch yourself, the more you stop doing it.”
What was the most surprising thing you encountered in your interviews?
“The contradictions. Every single conversation I’ve had, almost within the next sentence, somebody contradicts themselves. This is a very typical example. I asked one person - ‘how are you?’ She said, ‘I’m happy and content, life is good’. Literally in the next breath she said, ‘I’m so fat, I hate myself.’ That’s why I think therapy or having conversations ultimately is a good thing, as long as it doesn’t become a crutch that you hold onto for the rest of your life. Hearing yourself out loud is a valuable tool because a lot of stuff goes on in your head, and when you verbalise it, your ears go ‘Ohhhh - wow!’
How can we be better listeners?
“You have to be curious. I love being curious. I think if you don’t have natural curiosity you can probably learn it by watching yourself. For example, if you’re in an environment, let’s say you’re at a party or something, and you’re having drinks, and you notice you’re the one doing all the talking, maybe you just need to think, ‘Oh I’m doing all the talking. Now I should just shush’. Ask the other person a question and listen to what they say. There might be an awkward silence and you might feel a bit uncomfortable in that silence, but rather than filling in the voids, see what happens when you don’t!”
You often mention the importance of taking time to process whatever is happening in your life, how do you approach your processing time?
“You know you’ve got a lot of shit going on in your head... I empty my head by writing a list [of] anything that’s contaminating and congesting. If I can see it on the paper it’s not in [my head] anymore and that’s brilliant.”
You’ve also written a book called ‘Menopause: A Hot Topic’, what do you wish that people talked about/did more with relation to menopause?
“From a practical point of view, it should absolutely be in the school curriculum. And it should be that when you go to the doctors and you have your smears done, your breasts screened, all the normal female tests, then you get a letter, say when you’re 45+, going ‘at some point in the next couple of years, your periods are going to stop, and you need to come in and have your pre-menopausal chat.’”
What other pearls of wisdom have you gained from your life and work so far?
“My mum used to say, always count to ten when anything has happened, whether you’ve fallen over and hurt yourself, or whether somebody’s shouted at you. Count to ten before you react. Sleep on it till the next day. Just take a moment, take a pause, don’t react to everything.”
“Life is going to get on and do its own thing with or without us. It doesn’t give a flying you know what. It doesn’t. It’s going to carry on. As we’re sat here now, the rivers in Yosemite are still flowing and they don’t care we’re having a conversation. Niagara Falls is spilling over as we speak. Life is getting on, she's doing what she's doing”.
“We all have days where we feel; sad, ashamed, flat, overexcited about something… then days where we just think life is a bit boring. And that is life.”
Sam Bunch
A writer and author of two books: Collecting Conversations and Menopause A Hot Topic.
She grew up in Lancashire. She lives in London with her husband, 3 grown up children and their dog - Maggie. When not in her garden shed typing the manuscript for next book, she is either; gardening, practising yoga or drinking coffee in her local coffee shop!